


The Unbelievable Truth

by rachelvanbora



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-10-18 10:39:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17579300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rachelvanbora/pseuds/rachelvanbora
Summary: The crew of the airdot plays the Unbelievable Truth: "a game in which panellists compete to see how many nuggets of truth they are able to to hide amongst their lies". Lots of episodes on the BBC Radio 4 website: https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b007mf4f





	The Unbelievable Truth

**Author's Note:**

  * For [timeladyleo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/timeladyleo/gifts).



> Merry Christmas to all Cabin Pressure fans. Long live Secret Santa. Hope you like this one, SirCarolyn, Sir of Sirs, Carolyn of Carolyns. :-)

Carolyn: Our first panellist, Mr. Arthur Shappey, will give a short lecture on rabbits.

Arthur: ( _clears his throat_ ) Once, there was a race between a turtle and a rabbit. The referee was called Achilles.

Martin: No, Achilles was actually racing against a rabbit. But that´s a completely different story. Well, a thought experiment, to be more precise.

Arthur: Achilles was rubbish at refereeing, because he said the turtle had won. Even though a rabbit is clearly faster.

Martin: Yes, but the rabbit was arrogant and got distracted. That´s the whole point of the story. You can´t rely just on your ability, you have to keep working, no matter how talented – or Douglasy - you are.

Douglas: Martin, I´m not sure you´ve grasped how this game works.

Carolyn: We´re supposed to smuggle at least one truth, hidden in a heap of lies, past our audience.  
You should only interrupt if you spot a fact – and if you´re right, you get a point. If you aren´t, you lose a point. For each fact we don´t spot, the point goes to the lecturer.

Martin: Oh. Well, this should be easy. We all know Arthur can´t tell lies.

Douglas: True. But can he tell facts? Arthur?

Arthur: Yes?

Douglas: Action and go.

Arthur: The whole situation must have been really frustrating for the rabbit. I wouldn´t be surprised if the poor chap nipped Achilles.

Douglas: Right on his heel.

Martin: Douglas…

Arthur: Wow. But that was the only invulnerable part of his body.

Douglas: Precisely!

Arthur: What happened next?

Douglas: “Gentle Rabbit”, said Achilles, who was very well brought up, “if you do it one more time, I´ll be forced to start a new line of good luck charms.”

Arthur: What?

Douglas: Rabbit´s foot. A traditional good luck charm. Thought to be very effective.

Arthur: Ewww. But also, that must have been how the Greeks won the Trojan war! Good night and good luck to all rabbits.

Carolyn: Rabbit´s foot is, in fact, a traditional good luck charm.

Douglas: Fair enough. A point for Carolyn.

Martin: How come Douglas is allowed to butt in – so much?

Carolyn: Well, it´s the first time, we thought some players might have trouble with the rules.

Martin: Ah. Of course.

Douglas: I think we can accept, primo: there was a race between a rabbit and a turtle, and secundo: a rabbit is faster. Two points for Arthur.

Arthur: Brilliant!

Carolyn: Douglas, your turn. Your topic was “snowmen”.

Arthur: I can´t wait!

Douglas: The first fossilized snowman was discovered in a cave in central Africa in 1857. It clearly belonged to an influential ruler, for his eyes were made of black diamonds, and his nose of black ivory. Building snowmen is so popular in Japan that on certain days in the Japanese village of Shiramine, there are more snowmen than people.

Arthur: Can I say the bit about cavities?

Douglas: Be my guest.

Arthur: Traditionally, these snowmen have a cavity in their belly, to hold lit candles. They´re called Yukirumantra.

Douglas: Thank you Arthur, for that vital clarification. Elon Musk plans to launch a range of Snowmen that will be delivered to the customers by a hyperloop straight from the Arctic. The next test of the hyperloop capsule aims for half the speed of sound. The snowmen will be fitted with special helmets to prevent transport trauma.

Martin: Planned test velocity of the hyperloop is 311 miles per hour, roughly half the speed of sound. That is a fact.

Carolyn: A point for Martin.

Douglas: Damn, I´ve gotten greedy. I knew shouldn´t have included that.

Carolyn: You mean there was another fact in that bunch of nonsense?

Douglas: During the Snowmen week, there are 3 200 inhabitants in Shiramine, out of which 1 200 are humans. The rest are snowmen. These snowmen do have a candle inside and if Arthur hadn´t butchered their name to Yukirumantra, instead of Yukidaruma, it could have been 3 points instead of 2.

Carolyn: You keep telling yourself that. Your turn Martin. Your topic was “witches”.

Martin: Witches don´t exist. They have never existed and all data we have are totally unreliable since they pertain to something that did not and could not have existed. The science of witchcraft does not exist for the simple reason that witches aren´t real. And they never were.

Carolyn: I am starting to suspect Martin is playing a different game.

Arthur: Saying boring things in a boring way?

Douglas: Either that, or amassing most negatives into a single paragraph.

Martin: I have just laid out all the facts we´ll ever have about witches and you haven´t managed to identify a single one of them. That´s at least four points for me.

Douglas: Carolyn, will you show him how it´s done?

Carolyn: With pleasure. Witches who do badly at school must go and kiss a prince, as a punishment.

Douglas: ( _humming an old song_ ) Wearing nothing, but a Raspberry Beret.

Carolyn: Not that kind of Prince. And get your mind out of the 80´s.

Arthur: If you tie a real witch to a stake and burn her, it will tickle her most pleasantly.

Douglas: Here comes Arthur with his knowledge and erudition.

Martin: What? That was an absurd statement.

Douglas: Perhaps, but the quote from Harry Potter was almost verbatim.

Arthur: Thank you Douglas.

Carolyn: Shakespeare´s witch from Macbeth was the first literary character to use the word: “hurly-burly” to describe a wind measuring 10 or higher on the Beaufort scale.

Martin: Was she?

Carolyn: Are you asking, or interrupting because you identified a fact?

Martin: Interrupting?

Carolyn: You lose a point. Shakespeare referred to tumult, not terrestrial storms.

Douglas: Our Carolyn has witchcraft in her lips, striking terror in the hearts of captains and ground crew everywhere.

Carolyn: That quote actually continues with “sugar touch” and “eloquence”.

Douglas: I tried to limit myself to direct empirical experience. In deference to our gallant captain.

Herc: And very wisely so.

Carolyn: Herc! I didn´t expect you this early.

Herc: Well, it is Christmas Eve, after all. What´s the game and are you prepared to be crushed?

Douglas: The Christmas spirit personified.

Carolyn: The game´s called the Unbelievable Truth. If you´re up for it.

Herc: Why, that´s the story of my life. Especially since I met you. Did you say my topic was Christmas?

Carolyn: No, I did not.

Herc: How terribly negligent of you. Martin Luther, inspired by the lovely sight of tail lights of an alien aircraft illuminating the night, decided that putting burning candles on a Christmas tree would be a good idea. His insurance company did not agree.

Douglas: And yet the whole thing spread like a wildfire.

Herc: The Luther family experience is symbolically recreated each year in many British households with the ritual immolation of the Christmas pudding. The fiasco did not embitter Luther, although he later did suggest an alternative placing of the Christmas tree, when he wrote _Away in the Manger_.

Martin: I am guessing Luther wrote _Away in the Manger_?

Herc: No, it was written much later, though it might have been a tribute to him.

Douglas: But he did put candles on the Christmas tree, even if he understandably mistook those alien tail lights for stars.

Herc: Hm.

Douglas: Is “hm” a shorthand for: “point for Douglas, minus one point for Martin”?

Herc: Hm. A fortunate side-effect of Luther´s foray into interior design was that people realized they can roast practically anything. For a long time, roasted fir needle stuffing was all the rage. The custom ended abruptly when Ann Boleyn served a Christmas swan with the said stuffing to Henry VIII, wanting to prove her protestant credentials. Henry had her executed and promptly switched to turkey. You all will be switching from roast turkey to a nut roast, made up of roasted chestnuts, mushrooms and a selection of winter vegetables, once you have tasted my version. See you all tomorrow at Carolyn´s.

Arthur: Brilliant!

Carolyn: There was such a thing as a Christmas swan, Henry VIII ordered the execution of Ann Boleyn and he was the first one to have a turkey for Christmas. My overall score is 4 points, Douglas has three, Arthur two and Martin is subzero.

Martin: I´m not.

Herc: Well, since we will see one another tomorrow and you will definitely switch to vegetarian Christmas, there are two points left for me.

Douglas: One of which is extremely dubious. We´re crushed indeed.

Herc: I warned you, you´d be crushed, I didn´t think it was necessary to say who would do the crushing. Carolyn, shall we retire to explore that intriguing witchcraft quote in more detail?

Arthur: The one about hurly-burly?

Douglas: Quite possibly.

Herc: You have witchcraft in your lips, there is more eloquence in a sugar touch of them than –

Martin: Now, that´s definitely our cue to leave. Are you coming Douglas?

Douglas: Anon, good nurse, anon!

Carolyn: Out, all three of you.

( _Carolyn and Herc alone_ )

Carolyn: So, my favourite man-I-know thinks that vegetarian Christmas and quoting Shakespeare are the path to a woman´s heart.

Herc: Absolutely. Don´t you?

Carolyn: Let me put it this way: I´ll take a turkey and John Finnemore anytime.

**Author's Note:**

> Raspberry Beret, the song mentioned by Douglas:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7vRSu_wsNc  
> The scene with the witchcraft quote, courtesy of Tom Hiddleston and Melanie Thierry:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNezyPgP3nM  
> or, if you prefer, Kenneth Branagh and Emma Thompson:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7cCW6GqJko


End file.
